Sunday, June 12, 2005
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Random Stuff
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Friday, June 10, 2005
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I had my worst anxiety attack today. :( My anxiety attacks happen occasionally--although it's been resurfacing more often lately. It begins with my heart beating very fast, unable to breathe and trying to throw up (but nothing coming out). I hate that. The attacks usually last for fifteen minutes upon starting work then I'm okay already. As long as I stay quiet and am near the washroom, I'm okay. I usually look really sick, complete with a glassy-eyed look about me that makes people offer me candy or medicines. Today though, I couldn't work at all. I actually had to advise the super that I could not work "for a bit" and had to breathe easy. Sigh. I just stayed still for more than an hour because I really really could not work. I just sat there, bugging my seatmates who admitted I did not look well. As long as I was not doing anything, I was okay. My friends agree it's an anxiety attack or because of stress. Strange why I was stressed: it's Friday, the last day of the weekand everything is pretty relaxed. I know it's not something psychological--I'm learning to let go and take things as they come. Friday started out normal with me coming in early and bugging Patty for DH updates. I was able to go to McDonald's to satisfy a hot chocolate craving. So strange why my anxiety attack occurred. I guess it's been building up for the past week. Gaah. So it's a turning point, a sign, according to my seatmates. The attacks are recurring (?) more frequently now and it scares me. I think, even if my mind tells me such that I can take it, my body already is reacting. Hmm, it seems my heart is working with my body while my mind is rebelling. Hay. Even though I was able to work for the rest of the day, I'm still feeling sensitive and plain awful! I don't like this feeling talaga, I'm not quite sure how to address it, though.
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Tuesday, June 07, 2005
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One of my officemates passed away in a car accident last Saturday. It was a big shock for all of us--Friday night he was still around and happy in the office and then the next day we heard he died. When I heard the full story, I felt so sad. I was not very close to him, but we do escalate cases to each other now and then, being mailbox heads and all. He's pretty much helped me out in some sticky cases for his unit. It's still pretty much gloomy in the office, but we know he's in a much much better place. We did gain an angel. His death, at 27, moved something in me. All of a sudden, my moseying along life did not make sense, that I had to make my leap of faith. It's said that "life is short"--a cliche I always take for granted but now it's even truer than ever. I have always been leaving my leap of faith in the air. For me, the possibility of my biggest dream has always been making me go on in life, knowing that's it's not yet available, but it's possible. It's not just available yet. It's like when the opportunity comes, I'll take it na talaga without any second thoughts or regrets because I know that this is what I am destined to do in life. Again, it's not just available yet, so the idea, the dream, the potential is still out there, waiting to be actualized. And that's what keeps me going, hoping and wishing. But now that it is available, well, I'm scared to try out for it. Never did I realize it would come at a time I was feeling tired and frustrated with life now and what timing! Although I don't quite fit the requirements, we shall see how it works out. It just scares me to death that if I do not achieve it, well, then I'll be an empty shell of myself (that sounded exag, but career wise, I might not be able to recover!). But if I don't take this chance, I might be always thinking, what if? I think the latter is a worse fate--I should know! I have so, so many wrong decisions because of that. But it's going to hurt if it doesn't work out. Man, it really will! This is the first time I'm anticipating this, so maybe I should stop to further avoid negative thoughts. Poof. Anyway. I'm scared, but I think as long as I try... then I don't lose anything. I hope. My big leap of faith. I'm one to take signs seriously and so far things have been leading to this. Maybe this is it. Crossing my fingers.
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