Pondering Lifetimes

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Today, I made it a retreat of sorts--that is, if you call malling alone a retreat. I just wanted to feel normal and that I had a life. With the new quarter and new schedules, I've been feeling, well, that I've had no life other than work. My days off have been constantly changing and there are times when I just want to stay home and sleep. But today, I decided to just get out of the house for once, hang around, shop (especially since we just got the surprise quarterly bonus!) and think (since I was alone anyway).

I realized that I haven't really forgiven myself for a lot of things. It sounds weird to think of something like that while walking around Megamall and Shangri-la, but I've was mulling over aspects of my life that have moved on and others that haven't. Since I graduated, a lot of parts of my past (this sounds so dramatic!) have resurfaced, but I've reconciled with all these old things.

Because I haven't forgiven myself for certain things, I've noticed that I still deprive myself of things I ought not to feel guilty of. I make it seem like a punishment. Why is it so hard to forgive myself? People can hurt me, but it's okay. But forgiving myself is so hard. :(

How did I know that I haven't forgiven myself? You know that trite question that if you were to live your life over again, what would you change? And people always say that they won't change a thing because it's what made them who they are blah blah blah? Me, I always think, yes I will change so many things so I won't feel so sorry for myself.

What a sad way of looking at life, I know. I've been wallowing in this for quite a while and I know I should stop this pathetic, self-pitying state. I'm not living up to my favorite quote about letting go. One day. Soon. Right now, I'm trying the best that I can to get over things and move on. I can't be like this forever, can I?

* * *
My mom has this box of prayer cards--it's a small wooden box from Papemelroti containing 31 Scripture passages. Everyday, I pick one, sort of like my prayer/thought for the day (I need one to get through the work day!). The card I picked today was... well, it made me realize I can do anything and I can move on and forgive and make anything happen--as long as I have my faith with me, something I may have taken for granted. It read: "For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)"

*exhale*

Posted at 8:35 PM |

0 Comments: